It’s been a few weeks, LBC readers-all four of you.
The run up to Xmas has proved hard. For some reason, Fridays have been particularly hard, for no unknown reason. Perhaps it’s just tiredness from the week building up and noticing more triggers, but Fridays are HARD. More often than not I have a cry on a Friday.
We had our work lunch. I nearly didn’t go. I felt really emotional. We had a team meeting in the morning and someone had returned from a year on maternity leave. One of the team leaders punctuated that she was here after a year off, as if it wasn’t hard enough. She kept trying to talk to me (she is really nice) but I just couldn’t bear it. I pretended that I had to go somewhere and aimlessly checked my pigeon hole for an answer for how to deal with this. There were no solutions forthcoming so I just went to the bathroom and looked at my stupid face in the mirror.
I then went to try and find my supervisor to talk to, but she was with the woman who got the promotion over me and she was crying, so I left. Then when my supervisor found me, she was crying because she was unwell. There’s nothing like people crying to stop me crying. I go into ‘strong’ mode to help them cope and feel contained. Lots of tears in the NHS at the moment. It’s stressful times working with increased referrals and cut budgets. Not only that, being a therapist is such a hard job. Dealing with people’s misery and anger isn’t easy. So when something isn’t going great in your personal life, it sometimes feels too much to bear.
So there I was, falling apart, people falling apart around me with no where to put my tears. I went back to my desk and put my head on it and job sobbed loudly. Some colleagues came in and apologised for ‘not knowing how to support me’. I didn’t feel like going to the Xmas lunch. I went down half an hour late with red eyes and not much festive spirit.
I tried to get some EMDR before Xmas so I could spend Xmas day with my husband’s family. Not because they are traumatic, more because I cry whenever I see a picture of my sister in law’s baby, so spending the whole day with him was going to be a feat of endurance. I referred myself to our work counselling service but noone was able to see me before Xmas, so I made the executive decision. I am spending Xmas with my family and husband is going to his family’s. It’s not ideal. I just figure I’m going to ruin everyone’s day if I go to the in-laws. Merry fucking Xmas. I got you a sobbing woman.
The comedy that’s been getting me through at the moment is Catterick (can watch on YouTube) and Alfresco (from the 80s, written by Ben Elton and starring Ben Elton, Hugh Laurie, Stephen Fry, Robbie Coltrane and Emma Thompson. You can watch it on YouTube. Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are immaculate in it).
Anyway, Merry Xmas LBC readers. If you have lost a baby, like me, I know it’s going to be hard for you. You probably imagined a very different Xmas to the one you got. I know I did. Reach out if you need to.
And to all of you that have had a loss, Xmas is hard, for sure. Get through it as best you can. Try and find some glimmers of sparkling moments and don’t expect too much of yourself. Raising a stout to you all this Yuletide.